When I was a young girl I wanted boobs. ..I didn’t want boobs like Dolly Parton, but more like Farrah Fawcett. The famous swimsuit poster of “Farrah” that was prominently displayed in my brother’s room gave me daily inspiration and hope that someday soon, I would have her figure.
I knew my fate on “figure” could take on two very different paths.
I could inherit the figure of Mema Doris who was flat as a pancake, or I could inherit the “big bosom” of Grandma Polly and Big Grandma Plummer. I hoped for the big bosom side of my family genes. I think initially, I only dreamt of having boobs, because I wanted to wear a bra.
My first bra purchase happened when I was in the 2nd grade. Jana Hill who lived across the street from me in East Texas had a garage sale. She was cool, she was a teenager, and she wore bras. As I dismissed the idea of buying a great steal like a Barbie for 2 quarters or Mary Kay lipstick samples, I found my garage sale dream…It was a bra…a 36B that I could have wrapped around my torso twice, but I WANTED a bra! (I knew my mother would never buy me one at my age, so I had to be resourceful.) I purchased the bra for a quarter and skipped home to try it on. Upon the realization that I didn’t fill it out, I used safety pins to wrap it around my undeveloped torso and had to remedy the unfilled cups with the next best thing…toilet paper!
I became a pro at toilet paper filled bras, and really enjoyed my new figure as I approached 2nd grade. Of course my brothers taunted me, because they knew my secret of Charmin enhanced curves.
My bra debut was planned for Summer Vacation Bible School. Filled with toilet paper and secured with safety pins, I strategically wore a sheer shouldered dress, so everyone could see my new “development” through the dress. Mid-day thru Vacation Bible School, I encountered a wardrobe malfunction. My diaper sized safety pin sprung open, and began stabbing me in the back. I was too embarrassed to tell my teacher what had happened, or that I needed help fixing my unnecessary bra. I sustained the puncture and the pain for the remainder of the day. When leaving VCB, I approached my mother’s car. She was unaware of my wardrobe secret or the tragedy it caused. As I approached the car in tears with an arched back to minimize the piercing torture on my back, she asked, “What in the world happened in Vacation Bible School? did they scare you about burning in hell again? I began crying harder and said “No, it’s not Satan…my bra broke and the safety pin is stabbing me in my back!”
Every morning I would look in the mirror to see if I was any closer to looking like Farrah. It was becoming clear to me that I was destined for the “flat” side of family genes. On my back to school physical visit to enter 3rd grade, I asked my doctor about boob doctors. I had heard in Lindale that there were “fancy” doctors in Dallas that did something with “plastic” to give unblessed women Farrah-like boobs. I asked my pediatrician how much he thought that would cost. He winked at my mom and said, “Kelli, plastic boobs will cost you about $10,000. Do you have $10,000?” I said no, but between my lemonade stand, house cleaning, pot holder sales, & weed pulling services, I could probably save it. He said “Wouldn’t you rather buy a car with that $10,000 and wait for nature to take its course?” I pondered on that and yes, I wanted a car when I became a teenager, but I wanted boobs more.
I remember reading a book by Judy Blume called “Are you there God, It’s Me Margaret?” The book captured my emotional state of wanting to grow up and out and experience the teenage wonders of starting my period and saying goodbye to my bra “stuffing” days. In the book, Margaret starting taking her development issues to her creator, and began to pray to God to start her period, and begin the process of “blooming”.
I figured if it worked for Margaret in the book, it might work for me, so I turned to prayer…I prayed for my period, and I prayed for boobs.
God answered my first prayer on my first day of Junior High. I started my period and ruined my highly planned “back to school” outfit before 9a. I remember calling my grandma Polly to come pick me up and rescue me from my humiliation.
God began answering the prayer for boobs in high school where I “blossomed” into a full “C cup” After graduating high school and entering college, I became a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader as well rounded “D” cup.
Once Grandma Polly recognized that I had been “blessed” with her bosom, she was insistent that I only buy good support bras from Sears & Roebuck to hold up my tissue!
Fast forward to marriage and babies… All my friends said you’ll lose your boobs if you breast feed. I did breast feed and I didn’t lose anything except my waistline.
D, then DD, then DDD. One professional bra fitter in Nordstrom took a tape measure to me and said, “Girl, you’re an “F” cup.
I know now, what the “F” stands for in bra sizing….What the “F” happened to my boobs.
God ANSWERED my prayers.
The other day, I went to a “plastic surgeon” to research about a breast reduction. When I asked him how much it would cost to take me down a cup or 2, my childhood memory flashed thru my head. He said, “Kelli, a breast reduction to take you to down to a “C” cup is probably gonna run you about $10,000…
God does answer prayers…
As a busy working mom, I’m often asked how I find time to exercise. Like all moms, I am desperate to find a sliver of time that I can dedicate to getting my 80’s waistline back! After taking my first spin with my newly licensed teenage daughter, I realized my muscles were actually sore after a few short miles and a few near misses.
Just drive around town with your teen 3 times per week for 10 minutes and you’ll get the effortless, time-saving workout you’ve been dreaming about.
Welcome to “Car”dio…an unconscious deep tissue workout for teen moms.
Bicep tricep handle squeeze: While your teen is getting to know the boundaries of the car to curb ratio, ,grip the passenger handles tightly then release and enjoy a deep bicep/tricep burn. Repeat as often as you sense the curb scraping your passenger side tires.
Glutes squeeze: As your teen drives continuously within inches of the car in front of you, grip you butt muscles so tightly that you raise up from the seat two inches. Hold until a divine intervention makes your teen slow down long enough to get some distance between your front bumper and their back bumper. Continue this effective Glute squeeze until your teen finally brings the car to a complete stop in the comfort of your own driveway.
Mandible clinch: Enjoy a nonsurgical facelift by the tightening the muscles around your jaw bone as you try to keep your mouth shut as your nervous teen demonstrates their newly tested driver’s ed skills… clinch and release, clinch and release, clinch and release.
Calf brake press: Calf raises can be done effectively in the passenger side of the floorboard as you press like hell to try to slow down the car!! Repeat as necessary
Console Tricep dip: Grip the console and passenger handle and press down into a tricep dip each time your teen doesn’t anticipate the yellow turning to RED!
Unlike traditional exercises, all “car”dio exercises are done while holding your breath! You do not have to check with a doctor before doing this workout; God made us this way…consider it a gift. Cheers to teen moms!
Today, September 8, is my grandmother’s birthday. She is in heaven now. I lost her 2 years ago, and cannot fill her void. I adored my grandmother, and thank God for her wonderful 100 years life.
She was the wise one in the family and the voice of logic and reason. She survived the depression, outlived 3 husbands, was the oldest of 7 children, and was disease free.
She was feisty, strong, and funny.
My grandmother was famous for her friendly chuckle and she always warmed a room when she entered.
People often ask me, if you had one wish in life, what would it be. That is simple. I want one more day with my grandma.
At her graveside ceremony, we returned her to her childhood home…Arkansas. My mother was able to find a local, Arkansas Methodist preacher to help us lay Grandma Polly’s body to rest, and send her soul to heaven. He asked us if we had anything to say during a small family gathering. I literally couldn’t breathe and for the first time in my life, I was speechless. I sat quietly, staring in the distance, and just cried, and cried, and cried. Everybody in my family knew my silence was total GRIEF.
Well, today is her birthday, and I’d like to share what I didn’t have the strength to say at her sweet and humble ceremony in Cabbot, Arkansas.
I learned everything WITH my grandmother. Polly taught me how to fish, garden, flirt, and burp.
The things I learned from my grandmother are a part of my thoughts daily. The things my grandmother said pass through my lips unconsciously.
My family relishes our little pearls of wisdom and wit from Grandma Polly.
Below are some of my favorite Polly quotes with which I grew up.
“Tomorrow’s another day”
“Grease your face every night with Lady Ester cold cream, and only rub up!”
“Wear a good support bra from Sears to hold up your bosom”
“Never depend on a man”
“To find the best blackberries, you’ll have to get a few ticks”
“If your going to smoke, smoke a grapevine”
“Marry a man who will teach your children to respect you”
“How to flirt? drop a handful of coins in front of a handsome man and see if he offers to pick them up”
“Use real butter”
“Cook with a cast iron skillet”
“Drink REAL Dr. Pepper, no diet drinks”
“Stay OUT of the sun!”
“She has a NON PLUS personality”
“Mix your chocolate bar with your popcorn at the movies”
“Worrying won’t do you any good but make you sick”
“Stress will kill you”
“A good beer and a burp are good for you every now and then”
If you ever have the wonderful chance to be called “Grandma” I celebrate you and challenge you to be like my Grandma Polly…a grandparent that defines the lives of your grandchildren by living and loving life WITH them.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA, I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU!
I’m known as “The Cheerleader Lady” (because I’m on TV, people recognize me, yet they aren’t exactly sure who I am…Curious folks will stare long enough to get up the courage and ask the question I’ve grown to anticipate…”Aren’t you that Cheerleader Lady?”. Guess that makes me a “C” list celebrity…or a “DDD” list celebrity if we’re using bra sizes.
I used to cringe when the only identity I had was that of a “Cheerleader”, but my journey through life has allowed me to embrace it. People always ask the overused phrase “How do you Want to be remembered?” My answer to that has become crystal clear. I hope I’m remembered as someone who lifted spirits and cheered people on to be the best they could be.
I preach to the girls to live in the faith that the whole world is on their side, as long as the are true to the best that is in them.
This blog will give me an outlet…to be less filtered, less perfect, and less “tough” (except when I poke fun of TV Awards Shows) This blog is my answer to Group Therapy for Women (gay guys welcome!)
I thrive on interaction and feedback of people. I’ve often been told I have a very “diverse” collection of friends. I can’t wait to write about the crazy cast of characters in my life from my gay bff in Hollywood who is a makeup artist, to my dog groomer who drives and bathes dogs in a purple van, to my grandmother who is now in heaven.
If you’ve come to this blog to see Perfection, Poise, and Power…you are in the wrong place. If you want to laugh and cry out loud with me, Welcome to the Cheerleader Lady!!!
On the rare days my teenage daughter tolerates me, she will guide me on the cosmetic and technical aspects of “blogging” and eventually it will look professional. I’m living in the faith that the whole world is on my side, and promise to be true to the best that is in me.
Welcome to KelliFinglass.com, the newest place where I will be sharing everything from stories of inspiration, to NOT aging gracefully, to my Lucille Ball like life as a mother of 2 teenagers.
In the menu above, you will see that I have come up with categories, for all of the things I want to write about, but because the titles can be a bit confusing, I thought I would break it down for you all.
This is the section where all of my stories from botox to spankx and everything in between with a cynical approach on aging gracefully will go.
Under the Tree
Under the Tree is where I will post all of my inspirational stories. Each morning, I spend time under the trees in my backyard, and read inspirational stories and devotionals, while nurturing a pitiful attempt at a garden, I have found peace under the trees which is the motive behind the name of this category.
Ha Ha Ha
This section is purely devoted to all of the SNL skit worthy incidents that take place in my life. I’ve been compared to Lucile Ball, and this is where you will have a glimpse into the side of Kelli that you have never seen!
If you follow me on twitter, you know I love movies, and I love reviewing movies even more! Chick Flicks is the section where you can find my inadequate and sometimes inappropriate movie reviews!
Thank you for visiting KelliFinglass.com. New posts will be up soon!
Also, if you want Beauty/Fashion tips and tricks, please check out my daughter’s blog, crystalline14.wordpress.com! (She helped me put this website together!)